I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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