Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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