Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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