My hair reeks of homosexuality.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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