i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
