it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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