Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
it was like eating out sand paper
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
