Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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