I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
