his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
