There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
