I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
