He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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