i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
