The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Randomize
