Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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