Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
