I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
She told me I should be a condom model.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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