Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
