i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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