I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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