my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
