I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
When are your genitals available?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
