You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
