So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
