I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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