I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
