How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
