I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
