I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
