you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
