Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
