and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
