I will die if light touches me.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Randomize
