I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
