yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize