I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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