You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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