when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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