My liver just broke up with me...
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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