I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
