There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
