The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
