In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
