we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
