Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
