so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
