my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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