This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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