Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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