On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
