Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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