Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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