I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
