I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
