Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Randomize
