Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
