community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize