Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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