How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize